


and now he’s so devoid of color he doesn’t even know what it means

by Queen_of_Pandas



Category: Free!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, Suicide, depression I guess??, intentional lack of capitalization, makoharu - Freeform, man i suck at tags, mental health, poor haru :(, there is ~foul language~, title is taken from colors by halsey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 06:58:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13875585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_of_Pandas/pseuds/Queen_of_Pandas
Summary: haru was doing so good and then he isn’t and all of the water is flooding back into his lungs and he can’t god damn breathe anymore and the color is fading~his happiness was like the honeymoon period in a relationship: sweet but quick to end.





	and now he’s so devoid of color he doesn’t even know what it means

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the characters are ooc; it’s been some time since I’ve seen free, and I’ve never written ‘em before! Also, please make sure you read the tags before diving into this!!!

it’s back. for a few months, haru was just fine and dandy, but now the sadness is crawling back into his brain and taking hold again.

his happiness was like the honeymoon period in a relationship: sweet but quick to end.

slowly but surely, the colors in the world are dulled again, and the air is soupy once more. every time haru breathes in, his lungs fill with more water than oxygen, and he drowns just a little bit more. not literally, of course. (except for that One June Night over a year ago. but haru doesn’t like to think about it, doesn’t like to talk about. neither does makoto. they’re both perfectly okay with pretending it never happened, thank you very much.)

~

 _school_. it’s the bane of haru’s existence. all of the noise, and all of the people, and all of the everything. and, sure, he likes to work because it distracts him from The Sad (that’s actually why over the years he’s picked up knitting, cooking, chess, and, for a brief period of time, unicycle riding), but not like this.

it’s unending stress from all of the work because he’s just not smart enough, just doesn’t care enough, just isn’t a hard worker, _just isn’t enough._

his only solace from it all is mako and the pool. not that either are very comforting anymore.

he’ll always love the water, but everything changed That Night, so sometimes it’s a little hard for him, but haru’s strong and maybe just a bit self-destructive, so he ignores it.  
  
he’ll also always love makoto, but everything changed when haru realized he’s in love with the other boy. last march when he was doing better, he thought of confessing, but now he’s since realized that he doesn’t deserve nice things and makoto is the nicest thing of all.

makoto is like the sun and he doesn’t deserve to be smothered by haru’s dark clouds.

~

last school year, the different days all stood out in haru’s mind in vibrant colors, but now they all run together like grey sludge.

sometimes he hopes for a colorful day, a bright yellow or a cherry red maybe, but they’re always just varying shades of grey.

he used to not really mind it, but after getting a glimpse at all of the color life has to offer he hungers for it.

~

finally, he is at one of the worst and best parts of his day: his first class with makoto.

he is, as always, so wonderfully cheery. when haru was younger, he had hoped he’d suck up some of that joy like a sponge.

as makoto talks, he’s content to just listen. the words mako chooses aren’t especially beautiful, but somehow everything he says sounds so much like poetry to haru.

“aren’t you excited about getting to swim again? gou’s certainly excited about the swim club meetings starting up again! she’s made up a new training regimen she’s eager for us to try,” makoto says idly with that relaxed smile of his that makes haru’s heart beat like a caged bird.

the question ties knots in his stomach. of course he is and of course he isn’t. haru nods, detached, before turning to face front as the teacher starts up.

~

nagisa is bouncing off the walls as they all exit the locker room. “i’m so happy to be together swimming again! aren't you all excited? haru-chan defiantly is; he loves the water so much!”

“drop the chan,” haru responds even though he actually doesn’t really mind it ~~and actually kind of likes it~~.

as usual, nagisa ignores him, and he runs to cannonball into the pool instead, causing gou to get soaked.

“nagisa!” she shouts angrily at him, causing the blond to giggle. “you got me all wet!” gou whined.

“nothing seijuro didn’t do last night!” he chirps.

“that was highly inappropriate, nagisa!” rei scolds. the blush on his cheeks is even brighter than  
gou’s.

haru would smile, but he isn’t completely sure he remembers how.

~

as november bleeds into december, haru sinks deeper and deeper into his sadness.

the winter weather doesn’t do much to help. the colors all fade away to match his distorted vision this time of year, and he absolutely hates it.

~

he no longer creates, all of his hobbies are long abandoned. instead, he just lays on the floor and let’s time slip.

~

“haru!” he hears makoto call from behind him. “do you want to come over for dinner tonight? the twins miss you; it’s been so long since the last time you ate with us!”

he thinks it over for a second. it probably would be good for him to get out of the house. maybe being around the tachibana’s will help. at the very least, he’ll get good food out of it.

“sure,” he answers finally, trying his best to sound indifferent. mako smiles at him.

“great! because i kinda already told my mom you’re coming...”

they walk in comfortable silence. at some point the two boy’s hands join together. neither say anything about it.  
  
“hey, are you doing okay?” mako asks him suddenly, taking haru by surprise.

“uh, yeah. i’m happy, mako, really,” he lies. mako is one of the few people he’s told about The Sad. he also knows haru had started feeling happy again. haru really, really doesn’t want to dissapoint mako.  
  
as they return to silence, haru realizes their hands have separated.

~

dinner is nice. there’s so much laughter, a small bit even from him, and so much light.

some resembling happiness fills haru up instead of the water.

a hint of color, a pale lavender, even peaks through all of the gray.

~

eventually, haru stops sinking. not to say he gets happier; he just remaines stagnant and still, nearly completely numb except on rare occasions, like when makoto smiles at him in a particular way, or when he truly becomes one with the water and that wonderful piece settles in him.

~

everything is grey, until it isn’t.

today, for the first time in a long time, is truly colorful. a beautiful and fiery orange, he thinks.

his fingers itch to paint it on one of the blank canvas lying around his house that he bought back when he was happy and still actually did things.

this morning, he even smiled at makoto (he apparently does remember how). it was small but enough to make mako grin at him all goofy and clown-like, reminding haru of a young child during their birthday.

and then it all comes Crashing Down as nagisa begins to tease rei, and rei pretends to be grumpy about it while repressing a fond smile.

what if the happiness and the color goes away again? haru isn’t sure he could handle that.

“haru-chan?” nagisa asks worriedly, his eyes big. “are you okay?” haru doesn’t answer, doesn’t know how, just begins breathing in and out, in and out, in and out faster and faster. vaguely, he can hear nagisa calling for makoto and rei asking him if he’s okay too. god, he hated when people ask him that.

before anybody, haru included, is quite sure what’s up with him, he’s sprinting away from the pool and his friends towards his house.

~

his throat is aching, so are his bare feet from slapping against the gravel as he runs. the wind stings his slick skin, and his mind is a symphony of chaos.

boo hoo, he thinks, mako doesn’t love him back. boo hoo, his parents left him. boo hoo, he’s sad all the time. _boo-fucking-hoo._

tears begin to prick at his eyes. he doesn’t cry; he hates doing it in fact. but the water he’s been breathing in has built up for so long that it all begins to pour out.  
  
~

the sound of the water as it flows out of the spicket and into the bath tub is so much louder than usual, almost deafening upon haru’s ears.

~

for the second time in haru’s life, he is underwater and breathing his beloved water into his lungs, letting it overtake him. everything feels so hazy. is this what being high is like?

maybe if makoto ~~saves him~~ ruins it again he might try to find out.

~

haru is barely aware of being pulled out of the water. but he is extremely aware of makoto’s sobs.

hopefully there’s too much water in his lungs for him to live. besides, he’s always wanted Makoto’s Face to be the last thing he sees.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, so don’t be shy! :) Constructive critisicm and the correct of any grammar mistakes/ misspelling is is greatly appreciated as well


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